Transitions: Endings - Part One
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Hey there! Welcome to the second installment of my summer series highlighting the work of a personal and professional mentor of mine, William Bridges. You can read last month’s Ramble which served as an introduction to his Transitions model here. Bridges was one of Organizational Development’s earliest pioneers and is most famous for his book ‘Transitions,’ first published in 1980. The chapter on ‘endings’ is the longest in the book and after many readings, remains for me the most revelatory. When I started to write today’s Ramble, it soon became apparent that I was going to have to divide this month’s blog into two sections. Today’s Ramble will focus on raising our awareness and being more intentional around the ending stage. Next month we’ll explore in more detail what to expect during this emotionally powerful, and as you’ll read about today, deeply informative and necessary time.
Let’s dive in. If you ask a person to tell their life story in one minute or less, it might go something like this: I was born in ? When I was 18 I moved to ? to go to college. At age 22, I started work at ? When I was 30 I got married to ? I became a parent at? I retired when I was ? You get the idea.
Notice that we tell our story in terms of beginnings, the ‘starts’ of something. Our milestones are framed as next steps. You’d get a raised eyebrow if you told your story like this:
When I was 18, I ended my childhood and moved away from my family of origin. At age 22 I ended the official education chapter of my life. At age 30, I stopped being a legally single person. When I was 65 I ended the working period of my life… etc. Weird right? When you tell your story this way, you draw attention to your developmental transitions, rather than the ‘change events’ themselves, the wedding, a graduation, your retirement. Although these events marked an ending, they don’t describe the psycholoical and developmental significance of the period in your life that has come to an end. It’s obvious why we frame our life story in terms of next steps, but what could we be glossing over?
The chapter on endings is the longest for two reasons; firstly, endings are a vital pre-requisite for new beginnings; and secondly, they are the stage in the transition process that we are mostly likely to shortcut, and perhaps even avoid. We undervalue their importance in the transition process, and we absolutely underutilize their ability to help us prepare for what’s next. The reason for this tendency is simple, endings can be painful, and over the past century in westernized cultures, society has slowly diminished the space and time for talking about loss and public grieving. Endings are full of paradoxes; we likely feel sad, and we also feel excited. We feel a sense of loss, and we are ready for a fresh start. It’s at least, a time flooded with conflicting emotions.
Considering that we have to deal with endings all our lives, most of us handle them poorly. This is in part because we misunderstand them and take them either too seriously or not seriously enough. We take them seriously by confusing them with finality…. We see them as something without sequel, forgetting that they are the first phase of the transition process and a precondition of self-renewal. (Bridges)
As my life story example earlier attempts to illustrate, we do more than just ‘misunderstand’ endings, we tend not to consider or acknowledge their existence as we bound through life. It’s much more fun to think about the new job and the new apartment in the new city, than it is to dwell on how much we will miss our friends, colleagues, and the old neighborhood. On a less conscious level, we underestimate the importance of the daily routines and rituals that have become entrenched in our lives in the old place. A future-oriented mindset keeps us moving forward, and there’s nothing wrong with that strategy, as long as we also take the time to notice what’s ending.
As a search consultant, I am hired to help organizations find their next leader. The last day of the departing leader’s tenure, and the first day of the new leader’s appointment are the ‘change events’. The minute the leader puts the phone down from the board chair to announce they have made the decision to leave or retire, a transition begins. And it begins with an ending. As all the attention, energy, and often considerable resources shift to the search for the next leader, I like to focus my early meetings with the search committee and other invested and impacted constituents on what’s ending. I ask, “What’s coming to an end for the organization with this departure, and what’s ending for you?” “How will the organization be marking the ending to celebrate and recognize the contributions of the current leader during their tenure?” Being intention about the outgoing leader’s ending is not just for the person who is departing, although this would be good reason enough. The leaving party, the scholarship established in their name, the plaque on the wall, are all part of helping the people who worked with that leader to let go, for it to become real, and for some, to grieve. Having everyone sign a photo memory book allows people to feel like they are contributing something tangible to the ending. After all, the ending is happening to everyone. Taking time and care at this sensitive time increases the chance that the remaining consituents will accept the incoming leader. Perhaps you’ve heard it said that ‘Funerals are for the living.’ (Roelif Coe Brinkerhoff)
The word ‘closure’ is often accompanied with an ‘air quote’ gesture, and garnished with a roll of the eyes. I get that the term has been overused but I can’t help but wonder if we mock the idea of closure because we are uncomfortable with endings. I’m a huge fan of our need to sort out our ‘stuff’ at the end of every chapter. ‘What do I want to keep?’ ‘What did I learn?’ and my favorite, ‘What am I ready to let go of?’ If we pay attention to our endings, our new beginnings have brighter lines and there is space in our body, mind, and spirit for the new to emerge, less cluttered by the residue of the old.
There are endings in our life that come as a shock, the ones that we cannot prepare for. But most of the time, we know they are coming. In those cases, can we plan for them, be intentional, and dare I say it, even choose what we want that ending to look like? How do you want to spend your remaining month in your job, in your neighborhood, or even in a relationship? When my former husband and I parted, I stumbled upon Daphne Rose Kingma’s book – Coming Apart -Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours. We both read it and it not only helped our ending, but instilled in me a practice of being intentional, which has served the many endings I have had in my life since that point. Kingma said:
I've helped 100s of people through the process of ending their relationship: people who precipitated the ending, people who resented the ending, and couples who mutually agreed upon the ending. My experience is whether you left or were left, if you are willing to go through the ending in a directed and thoughtful way, without avoiding any emotional part of the process, you can go on to establish a new and more satisfying relationship.
You could easily replace the concept of a relationship with a move or a job change and this quote would hold true. Kingma echos Bridges insistence that a meaningful and intentional ending is the essential first stage in moving forward after an ending. Bridges opens his chapter on ‘endings’ with a quote from T.S. Eliot, To make an ending is to make a beginning. The End is where we start from.
Between now and next month’s Ramble, I encourage you to meditate a little on the endings in your life. Grab a piece of paper and write them all down. I bet you will be surprised as to how many you have forgotten, how many chapters in your life closed without you even noticing. If there were endings that were formalized or celebrated by an official change event such as a ceremony, what was that experience like? How, if at all, did that ritual aid the transition? Who did you turn to? What were your coping strategies? What mixed emotions did you have? How have your previous endings experiences prepared you for your next one?
I’ll see you next month for Endings - Part 2.