I’m not lost, I’m deciding which way I want to go
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Every time I get to intersection #2094 at the Blue Hills, I get my map out. There are 5 trails that intersect here and for the first few years I took a different path than I intended every single time! To this day, I still get my map out, not because I am lost, but because I am deciding which way I want to go.
In August of 2021, 4.3 million people resigned from their jobs in the U.S. This COVID related movement, recently named ‘The Big Quit’, presents people with the possibility of leaving unsatisfying jobs to find more meaningful work. Many are choosing not to return to chronically underpaid jobs, and many are still seeking rewarding and fairly paid work following layoffs. Many, like me, have completely shifted gears and are following a new path towards work that aligns with who they are becoming. It seems that one of COVID’s many paradigm shifts is that people are very intentionally considering what they do for work and why. It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘in-between jobs.’
Work is about a search, too, for daily meaning as well as daily bread, for recognition as well as cash, for astonishment rather than torpor; in short, for a sort of life rather than a Monday to Friday sort of dying.” (Studs Terkel)
Gandalf’s words of wisdom, ‘Not all those who wander are lost’ (J.R.R. Tolkien) have encouraged me over the last 2 years as I continue to navigate an unexpected mid-career pivot. While my new professional identity as a self-employed coach and consultant is feeling more comfortable day by day, I still catch myself lingering over at a job posting reasonably regularly, enticed by the status, salary, and familiarity of my former professional life. It passes quicker than it used to. The time between ending something and starting something new can challenge our sense of self and purpose, erode our self-confidence and make us question our skills and attributes. Whether by choice or not, it’s not a comfortable place for those going through it, AND it’s not comfortable for those watching you go through it either. Today’s blog considers the ‘neutral zone’, that messy time between an ending and a new beginning, from the outsider perspective. William Bridges, author of Transitions, describes the discomfort of the neutral zone using a ‘street-crossing’ metaphor:
‘One would be a fool to stay out here in the middle of the street any longer than necessary; so once you step off the curb, you move to the other side as soon as possible. And whatever you do, don’t sit down on the center line to think things over!
When I stand at that intersection with my map out, I frequently get asked, ‘Are you lost?’ This is such a beautiful gesture, extremely well-intentioned and completely human. I do the same thing myself when I see people staring at their trail apps or debating (arguing) whether it’s left or right to get back to the car. Obviously, I’m not suggesting we stop asking people if they need help finding their way, but I do think it’s worthwhile to check our primary assumption that the people who are holding a map are lost and therefore must be needing help. Additionally, I acknowledge that my offer to help could on some level be self-serving. I’d certainly be more comfortable if I knew that they knew where they were going and who doesn’t feel good when your knowledge or prior experience helps people to get back on the ‘right path’.
In the last two years, my friends and family have been incredibly supportive to me as I took a long pause. No-one ever asked me directly, ‘what are you going to do next,’ or ‘how long are you going to flounder around out there before you get another job.’ It would be normal for those who love me to wonder that. We are so uncomfortable with not knowing and with the unfamiliar, aren’t we? Recently, I accepted a part-time job as an Assistant Professor at an internationally renowned music school. I have been a coach and consultant for 2 years whereas I’ve taught voice for 25 years so this was something familiar, something tangible for people to grab on to. I sensed people’s relief at understanding once again what my work entailed, and their excitement when they recognized the name of the institution. I have received many congratulations and while these sentiments where authentic and appreciated, I wondered if I could faintly hear an undercurrent of ‘Lorna Jane has finally got off the center line and reached the other side of the street’. These are totally normal reactions for a world who as Bridges goes on to say, ‘has lost its appreciation for the gap in the continuity of existence.’
For us, emptiness represents only the absence of something. So when what’s missing is something as important as relatedness and purpose and reality, we try to find ways of replacing these missing elements as quickly as possible… we hope it can only be a temporary, if unfortunate, situation to be endured.
As a coach, ascertaining the reason ‘why’ a client has got out their map and paused at an intersection is fundamental information for me to gather at the outset - that ‘why’ assists me in figuring out how I can be of most help to the client. Similarly, if a person is indeed completely lost, what they need from you as friend, family member, spouse, or supervisor is completely different than if they are simply taking some time to decide which way they want to go. Their ‘why’ determines your entry point on the ‘intervention to cheerleader’ continuum (see visual above). What helping role will be most helpful?
As more and more people get out their maps to decide which way they want to go, perhaps we can consider adapting our question when we see someone paused at an intersection. Try - “Are you lost, or deciding which way to go?’